Suns, please.

Suns, please.

I’m not going to pretend that I know how to run a basketball team or have really any experience at all. But as a fan, I have to wonder aloud about some things that are happening to the one and only beloved sports franchise I have. I’m going to do this bullet point style because A) I love bullet points and B) I have a cold and frequently am interrupted by having to drain my nose.

  • Oh my God, play the mothafuckin’ rookies. Granted this Christmas game was tight until the last two minutes, but we’re banking on dudes who are older and have chronic health problems/bad luck. The Suns apparently run 30 minute practices, and so I have to ask: Can the coaching staff really evaluate how good these young players might be from that? Get. Them. In. The. Game. (Please.)
  • I know Leandro is one Brazilian teddy bear of a person, but I seriously want to punch him every time he has point guard duties (which, I assume, is ordered from D’Antoni, and so I’d like punch him at times, as well.). Everyone sees (me, Jeff Van Gundy at the very least) that Leandro is clearly a stud two guard and an uncomfortable point. Let’s just face facts and have Diaw lead when Nash is resting. It’ll boost Diaw’s confidence and get Leandro a bazillion points.
  • TANGENT: Have you noticed how surprisingly hilarious and awesome Jeff Van Gundy is? That Ice Cube reference–whether planted or real–was brilliant and on ESPN he says hilarious shit every single game.
  • Mike D’Antoni needs to stop being the Executive VP and General Manager. I’m not saying he hasn’t done a good job–though trading Rajon Rondo now seems like a possible misstep and drafting another shooting guard seems unnecessary–but if you’re one person having to balance three jobs, something is bound to get slighted. Plus, while I’d choose him as my benevolent dictator any day, dictators in general are a bad thing. Look at Miami: The only way Riley is going to get out of there is if Shaq stages a coup with one of those Super-Soakers he had during his “Welcome to Miami” parade. It should be noted that I would never choose Riley as a benevolent dictator. Never.
  • All the yelling and dramatic protests from Coach D’Antoni grate on my nerves, and we’re on the same team (as much as someone directly involved and a TV viewer can be)–I can’t imagine how it must lose him favor with the refs. It’s the coach who called foul; or traveling.
  • I hope this isn’t the case, but I can’t help imagine that Steve Nash never gets criticized by coach, and thus–as nice and incredible as he is–comes off as a white guy getting special treatment by the higher ups to his black team mates. Actually, I probably think this happens with Grant Hill, too, but that’s a more recent development with less accumulated resentment.
  • When Kobe looks to shoot first, people can say “Well, he’s a shoot-first guard and Kobe will be Kobe.” When Nash does it, it’s a signal that he’s not trusting his team and makes me curl up into a ball and wince for 48 minutes. I know he had 14 assists, but there were times when he made no passes in a half-court offense and I was like, “Uh-oh, Nashios.”
  • I am all for hilarious Stoudemire shots, but taking a three in a close game with plenty of time left? Should someone be investigating whether players are gambling on these games?
  • Not to re-hash hot-commentator-banter from a few years ago, but I believe this year Nash actually does have bad hair and may be one root of the problem. All the other years it looked rad and unkempt. This year it’s teetering on gross and, goddamnit, actually mullety.
  • Something seems awry in general. The smiles are coming less often and a bounce in the step seems to be missing. I’ll chip in for a team counseling session. Just talk it out and air your grievances. Tis the season.